33. I never told you this, but..

When you think my past is this big scary unknown: it isn't. It's just a lot of very sad things. I did a lot of sad things to myself, and as a consequence sad things happened. That's all; nothing secret, nothing unmentionable.

The mystery part is why I would do those things; that I still don't know. Why I had the constant urge is worrying to me, and it's worrying it may ever come back.

But the details of the sad things- like letting men use me, cutting people out my life, or eating too much/too little- they are just sad things that feel sad to talk about. That doesn't make them secret. Or scary. Just.. sad.

I wouldn't be the Alice I am today if those things hadn't happened. And as you've told me you're keen on her.. we just have to accept sad pasts and live in the now. I don't want to relive the past. I'm not blocking it out. I'd just much rather deal with what I can change, rather than what I can't.

Live in The Today.

Not the future plans, or 'life will be better when..' just what is happening today and what we can do to make today even lovelier.

32. I never told you this, but..

I don't like taking pain killers because it reminds me of overdosing.

I don't like having to tell people this every time they say I should take them so I try and say that it's not that bad a pain.

It is.

But I don't like remembering when I sat with 150 of them pushed out of the foil and tried to swallow as many as I could before I could chicken out.

I also don't like it when people boast about how strong and good pain medication is. I think it's crass, but then most people don't know my history and wouldn't know it was a unthoughtful thing to boast about.

31. I never told you this, but..

I started having food problems when I was 16. That would be the official start, the day I began to throw up my meals, but my distorted unhappy unhealthy attitude to food goes way back to being a chubby child who ate too much and was teased for it, was never fancied by anyone and felt like I had let my parents down.

Once I had put my fingers down my throat the first time, I was addicted. It was a way I could be secret about hating myself. Anorexia was too obvious. If I didn't eat at the family table they would ask questions. If I ate and appeared normal, but went to the loo and puked it up and reappeared; this was OK. Between that first time and 22 when the worst of it ended, I had periods where I would eat 7 or 8 times a day and self induce vomiting every time. I learnt where was best to position my fingers, what foods didn't come up as easily, the best way to get rid of the smell, how to cover up if you got sussed. And all the time, in total secrecy. Most of the time bulimics don't change shape much. I don't think I did it to be thin, I did it because it was horrible. So many reasons. It was firstly a horrible feeling, and does damage to your teeth, throat, stomach, mood and hormones. Secondly it was unpleasant because I never could enjoy eating; I had to eat in a controlled way to ensure I could bring it all up again, and I never tasted anything, it was just mechanical. And once it was out of my stomach and into the toilet, I was left feeling hollow and starving until it was time to eat again. This meant I was weak, tired, hungry and ashamed most of the time. If the food didn't come up because either my throat was too tight or there wasn't a chance to use the toilet, particularly in public, I would go into deep panic. I could feel the calories being absorbed and turning to fat and I would not be able to think of anything else. I would feel that on top of everything else I failed at, I had failed at being bulimic that day. It was a terrible feeling. I learnt to only eat when I knew guaranteed I could be sick. I began to hate my family for not realising what was going on, even though I designed it all so they wouldn't know. It was at it's worst on family holidays, in Japan, when I worked at the BBC, when I lived in Antwerp and on and off during living in Oxford, and Brighton and in Camberwell.

Mixed in with the fixation of needing to be sick were times when I would not eat at all. Or be obsessed with exercise. It would only take one person to say I was looking good these days, a passing comment, and it would mean I felt compelled to lose more and more weight so that people would keep saying it. In Sweden I starved myself to tears. I also had extended periods like when I was a Nanny where I was so lost in my complex and awful schemes of self despising that I was eat the same about of binge food as I ate when I would be planning to be sick, and then instead of letting myself have the relief of throwing it up, I would purposely deny myself that and force myself to live with the ever increasing weight as a punishment for how horrible I thought I was. I would eat in secret, and then sit on my hands so I couldn't go and lock myself in the bathroom and bring up everything until my stomach was empty and all I could taste was bile.


The feeling of wanting to be sick after eating too much or too many bad things or in times of big anxiety doesn't go away; apparently for most people if you've had eating problems it never does. I get the urge far less often, once every few months rather than hours. But instead of acting on it, I have learnt to reason with it. To be my friend, not my enemy. It took a very long time to change my life. I've still never talked to anyone about it, not even doctors. This, and a number of other things, still feel far too shameful to discuss.

Writing this made me realise just how repressed so much of my past is: tip of the iceberg. Repression is a coping skill; not a sustainable one, but one that lets you function in the short term at least. But now is when this stuff has to come out and breathe and leave.

I don't want to be unwell any more.

30. I never told you this, but..

When I hit the floor from my bike on Tuesday, I felt like for the briefest moment it was just as probable a car wouldn't brake in time and run me over as it was I would be able to get off the road to safety.

It was a very scary split second of adrenalin fueled action: pure instinct, no real control. My legs walked me to the pavement before I had time to instruct them to.

But at the same time, part of me thought right then if it happens, it happens. Not because I want it like I used to, but because I'm happy enough to die now if that's whats meant to be.

It's hard to explain with a lack of morbidity.

Essentially, I have found a peace within myself that I didn't have before.


I am no longer stuck in the claws of my past, forced to replay and relive sad horrors. And I am no longer only content in an imagined future of 'things will be better when..'

I am nowhere but here. Blanket, laptop, scabs, an apple and a tea to come. There is a perfect perfection in the present for it is all we will ever have and all that will ever matter.

29. I never told you this, but..

HugeVast DarkBlack TreacleSticky LonelyPanic DeepDepth HolePit.

Is the uninvited continuing visitor Mr. Darkness a reminder for my why I am pursuing a counsellor career path?

I get it.

You can go away now.

28. I never told you this, but...

Sometimes when I feel really frustrated with how awful people can be, and what a sad situation our society is in, I like to imagine parallel universe news headlines.

such as:

thousands unemployed as gun and weapon factories close down for good, due to peace agreements with all nations

insurance companies offering deals on bike insurance, with '2 or more bike owners' deals

how to modify your child's old massive sized clothes into clothes that fit them, now they've lost all that obesity weight

freed battery hens causing havoc in countryside as mass farming is internationally banned

abandoned boxing clubs and slaughterhouses to be reused as venues for free/low cost therapy sessions

10 year anniversary of equal gender pay: why did anyone ever put up with there being a difference?



and so on, and so on.

Who knows, one day they might come true.

27. I never told you this, but..

This time 5 years ago, I was so unhappy and so full of hate for myself I denied myself my vote. I wanted to vote Green. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any friends. I just sat indoors at home, all day, on my own, banning myself from doing something good.
I thought that people that didn't vote were bad people. I wanted to prove to myself I was a bad person by doing bad things. This was what my entire life was based around. It's one example of how determined I was to create situations where I could hate myself even more.

I can see now just how far I've come.

But not far enough to forget how lonely those days were.

26. I never told you this, but..

When I was with Ann on Friday, we were doing relaxation time towards the end as we usually do. I was in my calm place, swimming in an open lake in the sunshine. Usually I am in the lake alone, gliding through the water doing breaststroke, my body feeling light and free and relaxed. I think it has something to do with the 'me' time aspect of it. You, and everyone else, are on the banks of the lake, sitting doing your own thing, content, and I don't have to worry about anyone's happiness just my own. No one wants anything from me, I am not needed to do anything, just be.
But this Friday I wasn't alone in the water. You were swimming with me. You were with me in my safe water, and we both swam and swam, feeling light and free and relaxed. I think this means you are now a real part of 'me'.

I want to swim with you forever.

25. I never told you this, but..

I'm starting to like Alice Watson for the first time since I met her.

24. I never told you this, but..

I badly want a pet raccoon.

Here's why:










Here is why not:

23. I never told you this, but..

I've got the blues today.

I'm listening to this, and it makes things a lot better.




Contenders for the 'Reason of Blueness' Award:

Drinking alcohol at the weekend. (I had a lot of fun, just that Tuesdays end up like this sometimes)
Awkwardness of being in this flat when I have told them I'm leaving. I hate this feeling and in the past is why I just run away from flats or jobs without warning, to avoid people's reactions to my departure.
Spending nearly 9 hours a day in a cold (literally and figuratively) office which nothing to put my brain too. I don't like saying I don't like it there.
Still a heavy sadness about my Ma and Pa and the disappearance of the sturdy family I used to rely on. There is nothing I can do about this.
Feeling like I have so much to do that I end up doing none. This is irrational and based on exaggeration. Nonetheless, as Anne taught me, if I am feeling something, it's valid no matter what it is.

I see the future being a little like this:
Living at Kingswear Road
Working in a different slightly more interesting admin job
studying for counselling course
running for 10km
organising jumble as a team
cycling most places, including to work
eating healthy meals for you, and cooking to take to work
Amsterdam, Glastonbury, Liverpool, Spain

I'm not a million miles away. Maybe a thousand. But that's closer than I've ever been. So it's good. Great, in fact. It's all Great.

22. I never told you this, but..

Sometimes I’m a m a z e d to be alive.

Today is one of those times.
It’s different to feeling glad, or lucky, or happy to be alive. And it’s different to just feeling good.

I honestly didn’t believe I would be here. That’s because I honestly didn’t want to be.

But I am.
25 and alive.
And most importantly, wanting to be.

I don’t care what else I achieve in this life. I’ve already achieved what was ‘The Impossible’.

21. I've never told you this, but..

.. my login gmail account so I can use blogger is: alicelovesrachel@gmail.com
I set it up when we started this blog.

I was so happy that it wasn't already taken.

alice does indeed love rachel.

20. I never told you this, but..

I saw an exhibition once when I was about 15 or 16 and doing GSCE Art.. at the Lisson Gallery in Edgware Road. It’s the only time I’ve ever been there, or even to that tube station. I went with Lizzie, but we didn’t talk about it after much. I wish I could remember the names of the artists or of the exhibition. But regardless it was mostly installation, and the gallery wasn’t very big. It was a lot of text on white walls. One piece in particular went like this:

“At this exact moment a man is buying a whole cooked chicken from his local grocery shop. At the same time, a child is falling over and scraping their knee.” It went on, but I can’t recall the rest.
The exhibition guide said that the artist was encouraging us to believe what she is saying, but we have no way to prove or disprove it. We can only be in one place at one time. We are here reading this on this wall in this gallery, but a million other moments are happening everywhere else. Someone out there that second may have been thinking ‘right now a girl in west London is in a gallery reading events on a wall’ and I have no way to prove or disprove that.

The other thing I remember in that exhibition, and I don’t know whether it was another exhibit or just where my train of thought led me, but I distinctly remember starting to conceive that everyone around me is an actor. Ah, I remember now, it was indeed an art piece. Anyhow, it told me that everyone is an actor. Every wall is a set, every conversation a script, every event a plot and every encounter intentional. It was a creepy feeling; creepy, intriguing, comforting, eerie, paranoid, relieving – so many feelings all at once. If everything is planned, I have no control. But if everything is meant to be, then I don’t need to worry about fucking it up. But if nothing can be done, then I am trapped. But if it’s all part of a greater story, then how will it end? But if people I think love me for me are just acting, then what is real? If I am the only character who isn’t in on the plan, then am I totally alone? Is this piece of art like someone leaving their diary open and me seeing it by mistake? Have I rumbled the Biggest Secret Ever? Or is everyone seeing this and everyone now feels like the only real person in a universe of actors and story lines? Is it a trick to isolate everyone and make the nation suspicious of their neighbour?

For years I thought about how if this was true, I convinced myself that once I’m asleep all the scene sets come down, get cleaned, all the actors have dress rehearsals and practice their lines for the chapters of the following day. Then someone told me they made a film called The Truman Show, and I was so annoyed that it seemed like my whole philosophy was someone else’s idea and now a film that people will think I was ‘inspired’ by. So I never talked to anyone about it because I didn’t want anyone to say ‘Oh yeah, you mean like the Truman Show?’

But the gallery experience really got me thinking and I don’t think I’ve stopped thinking about it ever since.

19. I never told you this, but..

The reason why I appear to be such a texter and not much of a caller is that my bad hearing intimidates me from calling people, as I just can't make out the words people say.

Losing the ability to hear you whisper softly into my ear how you feel about me, under covers, during the narrow moments between wake and sleep, when we are close and fragile and honest and safe all at once, is by far the most saddening thought.




Maybe that's why I like writing so much. Because I can see the words perfectly.

18. I never told you this, but..

You make life worth living.

17. I never told you this, but..

Every other Friday when I go to see Ann we do a hypnotherapy/relaxation bit at the end. Sometimes, once shes's counted me in breath by breath she guides me through a thought. The first time we did this it was that I was in the ocean, sailing/moving away from the bad stormy seas and into new clearer waters which were warmer and calmer, and where I to moved and at what speed was in my control.

The second time she described seeds being planted, seeds being new thoughts and coping mechnaisms, and new happinesses. Like seeds, these new thoughts need nurturing and tending to; they must be watered and checked on and they require patience, as they won't grow straight into flowers over night. I have to have faith that they are there, even if I can't see them poking their heads through the soil. If they are neglected, they will wilt. If I care for the and dedicate myself to their progress, then I will be rewarded with a colourful, beautiful garden.

After that she just told me to imagine a place where I am calm, where nothing is wrong. Up until when I met you, and when I started seeing Ann, the place I felt the calmest was in the bath with my head back under the water, my eyes and nose and mouth above the surface. All sounds were muffled, and I was warm and alone. Now my safest place is with you, but when Ann asks me to imagine somewhere it has to be somewhere where I am safe alone. Independent. Because of my safety in water, I imagine I am swimming. You are in the vision, but you are on the shore. Everytime I look over to check you are there, you look up and smile at me. You are there, sitting, happy, contained doing your own thing. You know I will come back to land soon, I know it too. But right now I'm swimming, and it feels amazing. I have no sensation of being cold, or tired. I just keep going. There is no one to compare myself to, there is nothing I am meant to be doing. Swimming is all I am meant to be doing, and when I don't want to any more, then what I'm meant to be doing it stopping. All I can see for miles and miles is clear, safe water, with you on the shore just to my right where ever I am. And you love me, and I love you.



I wrote in my notebook this morning: "I have never been this happy. life - let's be friends."

16. I never told you this but...

This is the happiest, safest, calmest and most in love that I have ever felt in my whole life.

I want things to be like this forever. We have both come a long way these past 12 months and I truly believe it is because our love for each other is genuine and that we really do care about each other. We've come past (most) of our insecurities and problems and now the path is clear for us to both move forward and be happy. There are deep sadnesses from our pasts that I hope we can both lay to rest by working through them together. I love you with all my heart and always will. Happy 12 months.
x

15. I never told you this, but..

All I needed was for it to be OK for me to not be party party.

When it's OK not to be, then I am relaxed enough to enjoy being party party, out and about, involved and alive and joining in.

Once I knew you would love me either way, the issue disappeared.

(still hate drugs though.)

14. I never told you this, but..

I don't actually know what the 'Jaaackie' reference is.

I just say it because it sounds funny.

13. I never told you this, but..

I don't believe in evil.

I don't believe there are people born evil, that evilness exists, that you can turn evil. I don't believe you can fight evil, destroy evil, or prepare against evil because I believe it doesn't exist. I don't believe that there is this abstract idea that turns us from a human into a monster.

I believe humans can do inhuman things. I believe that humans can behave in monsterous ways. I believe humans are capable of causing huge pain against themselves and each other. But essentially they are still humans.

People that cause harm to others are very ill people. Sometimes, criticially, crippingly ill. I believe that humans suffer from all sorts of invisable illnesses that plague us and warp us. But it's not evilism and it's not as easy as banishing evil.

I don't forgive every murderer, every rapist, or every wrong-doer. But I see them as humans and the most in need rather than the most urgent to irradicate.

Sometimes I'm get really scared to tell people I don't believe in evil because in society today it sounds as if you are a sympathiser. A co-conspirator. One of 'them'. But as I don't believe 'them' exist, I suppose I should stop being scared of what people think.

12. I never told you this, but..

I am trying to learn my way through being honest, being judgemental, talking about myself, dealing with our separate pasts, and compromise.

It's a very confusing minefield.

Sometimes my honesty IS judgemental (I don't like it when you take drugs, I don't like overhearing anyone talk about me good or bad)

Sometimes in the past, out of fear of losing you, I may have warped the truth (saying I want to go to things that I don't because I think it will please you)

Sometimes my honesty DOES involve talking about myself/intrepreting the situation through my opinion (which often sounds like I think it is all about me)

Sometimes I'm honest that I don't want to say things (particularly sad bits of the past). It's honest to say it, but it means you are in the dark. In the same way, sometimes I'm honest about not wanting you to tell me everything about everyone you've been with or almost been with because it influences my new friendships with them.

None of these things are criticisms of you or I - just observations.

I'm learning my way through.

Sometimes, it's really scary.

Friday fight night was horrible. In that situation judgement is my honesty - It angers you that I tell you I'm scared of your anger then we go in circles. I cry, you slam. I slam, you shout. We talk about dividing differences, we say things we don't mean, we alienate ourselves. I act like I'm the only one with a depression problem. This make me feel guilty for feeling depressed because if you are sad I should be helping you cope. I try and bury my feelings because if I show them to you, you think I am making a drama out of my sadness and eclipsing your own struggles with mine. Burying my feelings is dishonest - I say I'm ok when I mean I'm terrified. I say I'll come out at night when I mean I want to build a nest and shelter in it. If I'm honest and say I don't want to come because you might drink a lot and might take drugs then I feel like it's not you and I want to walk away from the girl who isn't you but that makes you cross.. circles circles circles.

HONESTY:

I love you.
I respect you, I admire you, I desire you.
I love, respect, admire, desire our relationship.
I love many of your friends.
I love dancing.
I hate drugs.
I hate what drugs to do people.
I hate being tired and wasting Sundays.
I don't like evenings when the focus is to drink.
I don't like people boasting about hangovers.
I hate fighting with you.
I hate being talked about.
I hate anger.

I pledge to live by my honest feelings more. I pledge to not judge you except when you are endangering your physical and mental health, as that effects me too as someone who deeply deeply loves and adores you. I pledge to accept your past as you accept mine, and to practise believing that you don't keep feelings for others who I consider more beautiful, more interesting, or who you loved in the past.

I pledge to not walk away from you as this angers you and that upsets me, even if walking away is what my instinct tells me to do and what I feel is right in the moment. I pledge to listen to you and take your feelings on board, to not take your opinions are attacks but as your honesty which I respect.

I pledge these things because I believe our relationship is worth ironing out the creases of for a lifetime of smooth loving wifehood.

11. I never told you this, but..

I think my biggest fear about my parents is that if his love for her can exist and then run out, then maybe it'll be the same for his love for me.

And then what?

10. I never told you this, but..

I know you're 'The One' because when I think about the future me; Alice at 30, Alice at 50, Alice at 90.. in my future world, in my future home doing my future job; you are always there next to me.



That's how i know it's You.

9. I never told you this, but..

Sometimes I leave clothes at your house and put them in your laundry bin, so that they get washed with your laundry and when you give me it back it smells like you.



p.s. I still want to do the laundrette project.

8. I never told you this, but..

I've noticed we meet in the same place at the same time when we've had evenings of disagreements.

Not fights, but foggy air.
Enough to make us sleep apart, and to feel the need for a neutral grounds meet up.

Why we deliberate via text messages where and when we should meet, and for what, I don't know. We do the same thing every time. We each walk up our own side of the hill to the village and meet by the bookshop. We meet to walk, we meet early afternoon and we spend every minute together until the following morning. The evening we make love and cook together. We sleep deep and heavy and warm.

A pinch of a rift in our otherwise seamless and loving harmony. I can always rely on us finding our way back up the hill and back into each other's hearts.

Sometimes I wonder whether we subconsciously meet there because of it's proxmity to where we very first laid eyes on each other, and something about that feels comforting; when feel like it's falling apart.. to take it back to the start.

7. I never told you this, but..

I have such problems with jealousy and comparing myself to other people. In the past it would totally consume me, eat me up, spit me all over the floor in pieces I couldn't muster the strength to put back together. Nowadays it is much more contained, like most of my issues. A way that I've learnt to cope is to show kindness to the people I envy or feel inferior to. It helps me diffuse my feeling of inability to give praise, genuine praise, and support to people I am jealous of, I try to admire them instead. It's my only way to turn bad feelings into good. I suppose that's why sometimes I come across as too gushy or touchy feely. I have to feel like I can learn from and be inspired by these creative, beautiful, calm, productive folks, instead of use their talents to be cruel to myself.

And to know that you and I have something that is precious and something to be very jealous of: true love.

6. I've never told you this, but...

I have suffered sadness since I was about 10 too.....

But now it's lifting

5. I never told you this, but..

It felt like karma that half of the guests didn't show up yesterday.

My new birth year resolution is to be more realistic and honest to my energy levels when I accept invitations, honour my commitments and stick to ones that I do accept, not call off sick if I feel I can't handle the social situation, and to definately text ahead of time when I can't make it.




This resolution will prevent me feeling that perhaps I was being taught a lesson in politeness. The taste of my own medicine sure wasn't very sweet.

4. I never told you this, but....

Let go... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SS7RO8vt9c

drink up, baby down,
mmm are you in or are you out
leave your things behind'
cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy
you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright'
cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing
here it's alright'
cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright'
cause there's beauty in the breakdown

so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright'
cause there's beauty in the breakdown

3. I never told you this, but..

When you are anxious, you clean.. When I’m anxious, I need cook the hell out of something.

Baking, chopping, grilling, roasting.. the more elaborate and complicated the better. Even going out in the dark or cold to get an obscure ingredient for a first time recipe. I'd go great distances in this mood. Once I have lost a couple of hours in the kitchen with my hands in a mixing bowl and mixture on my face, I feel accomplished and my angry, nervous energy has been spent. The physical exhaustion outweighs the mental, and I can then rest.

Now all we need now is someone who wants to fix things when they feel low, and we have a dreamteam household.

2. I never told you this, but..

I ended up in love with Japan because of Mariko Mori.





She is a Japanese video and installation artist born in the 1960s. I went to the Serpentine Gallery in Hyde Park with my Granny and my brothers to her exhibition in 1998 during our school holidays aged 15 and it made this massive impression on me. her work was very sci-fi and kitsch at the same time. It was mysterious and wacky and I thought that anyone who was capable of imagining things like that must be genius. Because of that one exhibition, I applied to study a language at University of a country I hadn't been to. Makes you wonder what different paths one might end up taking just on account of such small influences; what if the gallery had been closed that day, and we went to something about space instead? Would I have become interested in physics and the moon? There is no way to plan or predict what we are going to come into contact with, what will stick and what we'll forget.

1. I never told you this, but..

I have always wanted to start a project with you.

Only recently did we first discuss the possibility of it happening, but already it has blossomed into a realisation. I know what we said about it being by post, and while that is very romantic and old fashioned, and letters are treasures, I think that we are far more likely to contribute and create in this format. We are co-authors, and although to take it in turns, to reply back and forth like a dialogue would make a sensible framework, it is perhaps more realistic to say that we write here, in the private space, when and if we can. When forced, we can never write the most heartfelt, sincere, creative things.

I am very interested by the idea of secret honesty. The idea of something being unknown to all others but one; this can still be honest, yet it remains hidden from public view. That being so, can dishonesty not be public? Can personal secrecy be dishonest if you're honest to yourself? Can privacy only be secret? These questions stimulate the dusty out of practise parts of my brain, and that is a nice feeling.

I feel like our relationship has become intrinsically linked to the idea of honesty and truth, in a way we can never return from. This is a powerful but of course beautiful thought; that you and I are from now on bound to being open and true. While this blog has a sentimental and in some ways serious backdrop, I think that within 'Things I Never Told You' there is definitely room for the sweet, and the silly, and the nostalgic. I have a huge store up of things you don't yet know. Opinions I have now or have had. Events that shaped my life, or daydreams of events I hope will one day. Encounters, Dreams, Dislikes, Ideas Likes, Loves.

It can be just a photo. It could be a song, or a written ramble. It could be a scanned in image, a drawing, as many or as few words are you like. The first line of the entry should be the 'thing' that you haven't told me, and the number of the event should be numbered, just like this is number 1.

I hope this writing place makes you feel as happy as it does me.

Alice