14. I never told you this, but..

I don't actually know what the 'Jaaackie' reference is.

I just say it because it sounds funny.

13. I never told you this, but..

I don't believe in evil.

I don't believe there are people born evil, that evilness exists, that you can turn evil. I don't believe you can fight evil, destroy evil, or prepare against evil because I believe it doesn't exist. I don't believe that there is this abstract idea that turns us from a human into a monster.

I believe humans can do inhuman things. I believe that humans can behave in monsterous ways. I believe humans are capable of causing huge pain against themselves and each other. But essentially they are still humans.

People that cause harm to others are very ill people. Sometimes, criticially, crippingly ill. I believe that humans suffer from all sorts of invisable illnesses that plague us and warp us. But it's not evilism and it's not as easy as banishing evil.

I don't forgive every murderer, every rapist, or every wrong-doer. But I see them as humans and the most in need rather than the most urgent to irradicate.

Sometimes I'm get really scared to tell people I don't believe in evil because in society today it sounds as if you are a sympathiser. A co-conspirator. One of 'them'. But as I don't believe 'them' exist, I suppose I should stop being scared of what people think.

12. I never told you this, but..

I am trying to learn my way through being honest, being judgemental, talking about myself, dealing with our separate pasts, and compromise.

It's a very confusing minefield.

Sometimes my honesty IS judgemental (I don't like it when you take drugs, I don't like overhearing anyone talk about me good or bad)

Sometimes in the past, out of fear of losing you, I may have warped the truth (saying I want to go to things that I don't because I think it will please you)

Sometimes my honesty DOES involve talking about myself/intrepreting the situation through my opinion (which often sounds like I think it is all about me)

Sometimes I'm honest that I don't want to say things (particularly sad bits of the past). It's honest to say it, but it means you are in the dark. In the same way, sometimes I'm honest about not wanting you to tell me everything about everyone you've been with or almost been with because it influences my new friendships with them.

None of these things are criticisms of you or I - just observations.

I'm learning my way through.

Sometimes, it's really scary.

Friday fight night was horrible. In that situation judgement is my honesty - It angers you that I tell you I'm scared of your anger then we go in circles. I cry, you slam. I slam, you shout. We talk about dividing differences, we say things we don't mean, we alienate ourselves. I act like I'm the only one with a depression problem. This make me feel guilty for feeling depressed because if you are sad I should be helping you cope. I try and bury my feelings because if I show them to you, you think I am making a drama out of my sadness and eclipsing your own struggles with mine. Burying my feelings is dishonest - I say I'm ok when I mean I'm terrified. I say I'll come out at night when I mean I want to build a nest and shelter in it. If I'm honest and say I don't want to come because you might drink a lot and might take drugs then I feel like it's not you and I want to walk away from the girl who isn't you but that makes you cross.. circles circles circles.

HONESTY:

I love you.
I respect you, I admire you, I desire you.
I love, respect, admire, desire our relationship.
I love many of your friends.
I love dancing.
I hate drugs.
I hate what drugs to do people.
I hate being tired and wasting Sundays.
I don't like evenings when the focus is to drink.
I don't like people boasting about hangovers.
I hate fighting with you.
I hate being talked about.
I hate anger.

I pledge to live by my honest feelings more. I pledge to not judge you except when you are endangering your physical and mental health, as that effects me too as someone who deeply deeply loves and adores you. I pledge to accept your past as you accept mine, and to practise believing that you don't keep feelings for others who I consider more beautiful, more interesting, or who you loved in the past.

I pledge to not walk away from you as this angers you and that upsets me, even if walking away is what my instinct tells me to do and what I feel is right in the moment. I pledge to listen to you and take your feelings on board, to not take your opinions are attacks but as your honesty which I respect.

I pledge these things because I believe our relationship is worth ironing out the creases of for a lifetime of smooth loving wifehood.

11. I never told you this, but..

I think my biggest fear about my parents is that if his love for her can exist and then run out, then maybe it'll be the same for his love for me.

And then what?

10. I never told you this, but..

I know you're 'The One' because when I think about the future me; Alice at 30, Alice at 50, Alice at 90.. in my future world, in my future home doing my future job; you are always there next to me.



That's how i know it's You.

9. I never told you this, but..

Sometimes I leave clothes at your house and put them in your laundry bin, so that they get washed with your laundry and when you give me it back it smells like you.



p.s. I still want to do the laundrette project.

8. I never told you this, but..

I've noticed we meet in the same place at the same time when we've had evenings of disagreements.

Not fights, but foggy air.
Enough to make us sleep apart, and to feel the need for a neutral grounds meet up.

Why we deliberate via text messages where and when we should meet, and for what, I don't know. We do the same thing every time. We each walk up our own side of the hill to the village and meet by the bookshop. We meet to walk, we meet early afternoon and we spend every minute together until the following morning. The evening we make love and cook together. We sleep deep and heavy and warm.

A pinch of a rift in our otherwise seamless and loving harmony. I can always rely on us finding our way back up the hill and back into each other's hearts.

Sometimes I wonder whether we subconsciously meet there because of it's proxmity to where we very first laid eyes on each other, and something about that feels comforting; when feel like it's falling apart.. to take it back to the start.