20. I never told you this, but..

I saw an exhibition once when I was about 15 or 16 and doing GSCE Art.. at the Lisson Gallery in Edgware Road. It’s the only time I’ve ever been there, or even to that tube station. I went with Lizzie, but we didn’t talk about it after much. I wish I could remember the names of the artists or of the exhibition. But regardless it was mostly installation, and the gallery wasn’t very big. It was a lot of text on white walls. One piece in particular went like this:

“At this exact moment a man is buying a whole cooked chicken from his local grocery shop. At the same time, a child is falling over and scraping their knee.” It went on, but I can’t recall the rest.
The exhibition guide said that the artist was encouraging us to believe what she is saying, but we have no way to prove or disprove it. We can only be in one place at one time. We are here reading this on this wall in this gallery, but a million other moments are happening everywhere else. Someone out there that second may have been thinking ‘right now a girl in west London is in a gallery reading events on a wall’ and I have no way to prove or disprove that.

The other thing I remember in that exhibition, and I don’t know whether it was another exhibit or just where my train of thought led me, but I distinctly remember starting to conceive that everyone around me is an actor. Ah, I remember now, it was indeed an art piece. Anyhow, it told me that everyone is an actor. Every wall is a set, every conversation a script, every event a plot and every encounter intentional. It was a creepy feeling; creepy, intriguing, comforting, eerie, paranoid, relieving – so many feelings all at once. If everything is planned, I have no control. But if everything is meant to be, then I don’t need to worry about fucking it up. But if nothing can be done, then I am trapped. But if it’s all part of a greater story, then how will it end? But if people I think love me for me are just acting, then what is real? If I am the only character who isn’t in on the plan, then am I totally alone? Is this piece of art like someone leaving their diary open and me seeing it by mistake? Have I rumbled the Biggest Secret Ever? Or is everyone seeing this and everyone now feels like the only real person in a universe of actors and story lines? Is it a trick to isolate everyone and make the nation suspicious of their neighbour?

For years I thought about how if this was true, I convinced myself that once I’m asleep all the scene sets come down, get cleaned, all the actors have dress rehearsals and practice their lines for the chapters of the following day. Then someone told me they made a film called The Truman Show, and I was so annoyed that it seemed like my whole philosophy was someone else’s idea and now a film that people will think I was ‘inspired’ by. So I never talked to anyone about it because I didn’t want anyone to say ‘Oh yeah, you mean like the Truman Show?’

But the gallery experience really got me thinking and I don’t think I’ve stopped thinking about it ever since.

19. I never told you this, but..

The reason why I appear to be such a texter and not much of a caller is that my bad hearing intimidates me from calling people, as I just can't make out the words people say.

Losing the ability to hear you whisper softly into my ear how you feel about me, under covers, during the narrow moments between wake and sleep, when we are close and fragile and honest and safe all at once, is by far the most saddening thought.




Maybe that's why I like writing so much. Because I can see the words perfectly.

18. I never told you this, but..

You make life worth living.

17. I never told you this, but..

Every other Friday when I go to see Ann we do a hypnotherapy/relaxation bit at the end. Sometimes, once shes's counted me in breath by breath she guides me through a thought. The first time we did this it was that I was in the ocean, sailing/moving away from the bad stormy seas and into new clearer waters which were warmer and calmer, and where I to moved and at what speed was in my control.

The second time she described seeds being planted, seeds being new thoughts and coping mechnaisms, and new happinesses. Like seeds, these new thoughts need nurturing and tending to; they must be watered and checked on and they require patience, as they won't grow straight into flowers over night. I have to have faith that they are there, even if I can't see them poking their heads through the soil. If they are neglected, they will wilt. If I care for the and dedicate myself to their progress, then I will be rewarded with a colourful, beautiful garden.

After that she just told me to imagine a place where I am calm, where nothing is wrong. Up until when I met you, and when I started seeing Ann, the place I felt the calmest was in the bath with my head back under the water, my eyes and nose and mouth above the surface. All sounds were muffled, and I was warm and alone. Now my safest place is with you, but when Ann asks me to imagine somewhere it has to be somewhere where I am safe alone. Independent. Because of my safety in water, I imagine I am swimming. You are in the vision, but you are on the shore. Everytime I look over to check you are there, you look up and smile at me. You are there, sitting, happy, contained doing your own thing. You know I will come back to land soon, I know it too. But right now I'm swimming, and it feels amazing. I have no sensation of being cold, or tired. I just keep going. There is no one to compare myself to, there is nothing I am meant to be doing. Swimming is all I am meant to be doing, and when I don't want to any more, then what I'm meant to be doing it stopping. All I can see for miles and miles is clear, safe water, with you on the shore just to my right where ever I am. And you love me, and I love you.



I wrote in my notebook this morning: "I have never been this happy. life - let's be friends."

16. I never told you this but...

This is the happiest, safest, calmest and most in love that I have ever felt in my whole life.

I want things to be like this forever. We have both come a long way these past 12 months and I truly believe it is because our love for each other is genuine and that we really do care about each other. We've come past (most) of our insecurities and problems and now the path is clear for us to both move forward and be happy. There are deep sadnesses from our pasts that I hope we can both lay to rest by working through them together. I love you with all my heart and always will. Happy 12 months.
x

15. I never told you this, but..

All I needed was for it to be OK for me to not be party party.

When it's OK not to be, then I am relaxed enough to enjoy being party party, out and about, involved and alive and joining in.

Once I knew you would love me either way, the issue disappeared.

(still hate drugs though.)