17. I never told you this, but..

Every other Friday when I go to see Ann we do a hypnotherapy/relaxation bit at the end. Sometimes, once shes's counted me in breath by breath she guides me through a thought. The first time we did this it was that I was in the ocean, sailing/moving away from the bad stormy seas and into new clearer waters which were warmer and calmer, and where I to moved and at what speed was in my control.

The second time she described seeds being planted, seeds being new thoughts and coping mechnaisms, and new happinesses. Like seeds, these new thoughts need nurturing and tending to; they must be watered and checked on and they require patience, as they won't grow straight into flowers over night. I have to have faith that they are there, even if I can't see them poking their heads through the soil. If they are neglected, they will wilt. If I care for the and dedicate myself to their progress, then I will be rewarded with a colourful, beautiful garden.

After that she just told me to imagine a place where I am calm, where nothing is wrong. Up until when I met you, and when I started seeing Ann, the place I felt the calmest was in the bath with my head back under the water, my eyes and nose and mouth above the surface. All sounds were muffled, and I was warm and alone. Now my safest place is with you, but when Ann asks me to imagine somewhere it has to be somewhere where I am safe alone. Independent. Because of my safety in water, I imagine I am swimming. You are in the vision, but you are on the shore. Everytime I look over to check you are there, you look up and smile at me. You are there, sitting, happy, contained doing your own thing. You know I will come back to land soon, I know it too. But right now I'm swimming, and it feels amazing. I have no sensation of being cold, or tired. I just keep going. There is no one to compare myself to, there is nothing I am meant to be doing. Swimming is all I am meant to be doing, and when I don't want to any more, then what I'm meant to be doing it stopping. All I can see for miles and miles is clear, safe water, with you on the shore just to my right where ever I am. And you love me, and I love you.



I wrote in my notebook this morning: "I have never been this happy. life - let's be friends."