It's 00:31 and it feels really strange to be turning 31. Today has been a reflective day. I had my psychotherapy meeting and for the first time I understood and confronted what has been holding me back for so many years:
1. I am unconfident about my abilities
2. I am extremely lonely
3. I am incredibly insecure
4. I have trust issues
5. I have no family that know me, need me or even truly love me
6. For years I've done what I thought what was expected of me, not necessarily what I wanted
7. I was a victim of abuse for the first 20 years of my life
8. I am not as independent as I thought I was
9. I find it hard to let go
10. I have only felt true love once in my life
I watched a documentary tonight about a young man who suffered from post-traumatic stress after being a victim of assault at 17. After the event he became a mute. Doctors tried different ways to help him and he was close to being hospitalised. Instead they sent him to a dolphin retreat. He had completely repressed the assault and memories prior to being at the retreat. He would swim all day and became almost dolphin-like. His father had sold land and his business, left his job and wife to be with his son while he went through this treatment. Over time, months and months, he began to speak, gained confidence in himself and trust in others again. He was at the retreat for a total of 4 years before he returned to his village. It was strange to watch. I felt like I identified with him in some ways, the repression of a dark past, to not be able to relate to people in the same way as most people do...
I sat in the bath and cried afterwards and as the water washed away the tears I felt a sudden release of weight that I have been carrying on my shoulders for such a long time.
I really want to get help this time, for me. Not for anyone else. I want to be happy being me.
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