45. I never told you this, but..

I am surviving.

I suppose to the outside view, it looks pretty lame.

Like a non-existence.

Like not surviving.



But I really am.

And the tactics I use, subconsciously, without planning to, are:



hibernation

wanting to sleep and rest and be alone

play games

be in another world



all these things help me manage the intense feeling of being alive when I'm sad.

It's not glamourous

ambitious

cool

very productive





but it means I'm still alive, when otherwise I might be selfharmingorthinkingofsuicideorphysicallyrunningaway.

I'm sorry you don't want to be with someone that spends time alone making made-up people wallpaper their made-up houses with their made-up money. I feel very ashamed.